ADHD? Who, me?

As a child, I was very talkative. My mother used to grab my chin and lovingly say "Doesn't this thing ever get tired?"

When I was tested for ADHD in school, I was only a few points away from diagnosis, I realize now that I was borderline.

In the 8th grade, I was hyper-focused on the technical aspects of guitars.

I was a member of a guitar forum where I learned about different ways to modify my instrument. So obsessed was I, that I even modified the bridge within the tremolo (I replaced a piece of metal with another piece of metal, to help 'the tone'). It made very little difference.

Once in high school, a friend named Sadie gave me a plastic Hawaiian Lei, with a small paper advertisement, promoting her run for Class Treasurer.

For whatever reason, I really liked that lei, and I proceeded to wear it with every outfit I had, for months.

A child, his modified stratocaster, and the plastic lei he was weirdly obsessed with, circa 2011.

I used to subscribe to Guitarworld magazine, where I learned about musicians people around me had never taught me about. Over and over again, I would read the names of artists and miss-pronounce them in increasingly ridiculous ways.

From Kurt Cobain (Kurt Cobien) to Dimebag Darrel (Dimbag Darell).In fact, my whole life I have struggled with miss-pronouncing words I read.

A professor in college asked me once what methods I used to study. I told her that I did not really have any method and that I was a bad procrastinator.

She told me, "You are good with deadlines."

Also in college, I took Adderall for the first time, preparing for an intense studying session. I was surprised at how calm it made me feel. Suddenly it was as if my mind had slowed down, I thought 'Is this how other people feel all the time?'

Five years ago when I quit drinking, my therapist told me I had ADHD. Since then, I have been "diagnosed" by many different people. Two people I dated (who both had it), a couple of therapists (I was friends with) and most recently a friend from Portland.

I was first diagnosed for severe anxiety and depression in college. Since then I have engaged in a on-again and off-again relationships with anti-depressants.

I have learned that anxiety and depression often occur in those diagnosed with ADHD. Recently, one of my favorite podcasters revealed that they had been diagnosed with ADHD after nearly 20 years of being misdiagnosed as Bi Polar. The mania he suffered from was not a symptom of bipolar disorder. It was ADHD.

I have had my share of mania, from the first time I decided to visit Bisbee (after drinking too much coffee at a coffee shop) to this very morning, waking up with the sinking feeling that something is not right.

Now, approaching 29, I am ready to acknowledge these things that I had avoided for so long. Ironically, another symptom of ADHD is 'avoiding or disliking tasks that require sustained mental efforts'.

Suddenly I understand why I hate scheduling appointments, and put off calling doctors offices as long as possible.

Suddenly, my mood swings, manic episodes and emotional dis-regulation makes a lot more sense.

I write this blog for myself, but also for those of you who maybe grew up in settings where it wasn't safe to talk about your mental health. Maybe your guardian didn't believe in mental health, whatever reason you have for your anxious avoidance.

I have been masking for so long. I have tried running away from myself. I have become hyper-fixated others, using their reactions as a reflection of myself.

I'm not running anymore.